I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
