I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize