im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
