I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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