Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You are the jesus of drinking
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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