and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
