I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
