I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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