I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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