I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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