Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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