I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
you had me at cake vodka
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
