i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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