i'm signing you up for texting rehab
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
