a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
