Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
