I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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