What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Randomize