im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize