So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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