I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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