I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Come share oat with me in your robe
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
