oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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