the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
