sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
