dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize