I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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