last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
