I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
