cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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