can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize