She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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