What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
