its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
