I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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