I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
