Someone shit on the floor
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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