just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
false alarm, still single
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
