I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize