then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
