im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
