I'm passing your future prison.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
