And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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