i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
