This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I puked a lego.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
