Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
