I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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