Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
