North Korea, Best Korea!
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just gargled with NyQuil
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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