dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
