you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
