I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize