i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
