i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
