He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
