She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Randomize
