dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
