I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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