think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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