why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize