ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
