I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
